Life being married to a nurse during COVID19

May 8, 2020

I suddenly lost myself…the news hit of covid-19 here in the U.S. back in early March and I came to grasp with the reality of what my life would soon be unraveled into.  If you’ve been around, you know I have had deep struggles with anxiety in my past.  I have been an open book on it and try to be transparent with my personal struggles because it’s not only therapeutic for me to write – but also because I know it might help another person in my same shoes out there feeling lost, alone, and depleted.

Although I am all too familiar with anxiety, it doesn’t make it something that is any more or less easy to deal with.  Especially when you are riding an insane high and haven’t had an episode with it in a long while.  I thought my head was on my shoulders tight and narrow, and that I would use my self help mechanisms to sail through this time.  Well, I guess I thought wrong.  One thing about anxiety is, it is always there waiting in the back corner ready to unleash its powerful grip around you at the next perfect chance it gets.

I quickly found myself an unraveling mess.  Not only is my husband a nurse, he’s an ICU nurse.  The nurse that would be needed during this critical time.  The nurse that would be handling these sick covid patients, and the nurse who would be putting his life at risk each and every time he has a shift. My husband is close to 40 and has thankfully never had any super serious health ailments.  A few run in’s with the flu, pneumonia, colds, etc. but all self managing with a typical recovery.

However, that didn’t make me feel any less fearful after learning more about this covid virus and what it can do.  I immediately went to fear and panicking.  Imagining my life and our family without him by our side. How I would survive with four kids since being a SAHM for the past 9 years. Yes, we have life insurance in place, his retirement, and others – but with the economy falling to pieces, would I even see any of that?  The feeling isn’t pleasant to sit with.

We quickly put a plan into place and it has been much harder than I could have ever anticipated.  Mid March, in fact the week of my birthday – I moved out of our bedroom.  I then moved my three boys across the hall out of their bedroom.  Our new life and bed would become our living room couch.  My husband quarantines himself in our room after each shift, being careful to hopefully not contaminate us or other parts of our house.

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At first this didn’t bother me too much.  It was only as the weeks grew longer, the days never ending – that I found myself struggling more and more with it.  The kids quickly grew unruly and hard to handle, and I was left with doing everything.  School work, cooking, cleaning, parenting, life, you name it… and there was no relief  for me.  No one to pass the baton to, no one to give me a break, no one to talk to, no one to hold me and comfort me.  Nowhere to go – it is just me… all alone. Alone with my thoughts, my pain, my uncertainty, my fear, and my heartache.  A concoction for a disastrous recipe brewing up in the horizon.

As soon as he leaves to work I feel unbearable heartache and pain anticipating the worst.  When he is home I feel release and peace, but agony because we cannot be together.  Living in a household separated is not as easy as it might look to an outsider not living in this way.  It’s a broken sense of normality, in which we all have felt through this, but mine is in the form of my family. My kids are torn inside out not being able to interact with their Daddy.  I feeling the loss of the love of my life, while yet he is still earth side.  It’s an ugly and unfair feeling to have to go through.

To top it off and make the hurt and pain even worse, you throw social media into it all.  Reading comments and posts of others who think this is all a hoax.  Stirring the pot and saying that they deserve their “rights and freedom” back.  That they should be able to live as they please and that they’re “un-afraid.”  Well, my friends – as an opinionated person myself, this only grew more fuel to the deep fire that was already lit and burning within.

What comes of negligence, is selfishness, unrighteous and pompous thinking.  Kindness, compassion, and understanding are not within reason.  In return I am then left feeling beaten, broken and shattered.  No one cares how much I am suffering inside, or my husband and kids.  No one cares to see what this might do to us because of their actions, as it doesn’t “effect” them.  No one cares to understand another human beings struggles, because they are not faced with it.  This is where the broken cycle of history repeats itself over and over again.

We have made it exactly 2 months to the date – almost 9 weeks in total, that we have lived through this nightmarish journey.  Just like you, we wonder when this will be behind us? When it will be “safe” again? and when we can finally come together and be a family again?  For us, our life moving forward will take much more time to come together, as we will have to succumb to the footsteps of others, while relying our fate on those who’ve proven so unkind and unruly.  A terrifying knot-turning explosion, is what sits and churns in unending circles, constantly flopping within me.

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One day I hope to look back on this period of time and know that we survived it.  However, one thing I know I will always be disappointed in, is how divided we became over this and just how truly un-supportive we were to another persons hurting heart and face. While we all may not walk the same walk of life, or be able to fit inside someone else’s shoes – we can most certainly choose… Choose to be empathetic, understanding, kind, and compassionate.  We can/could make a world of difference, if some just allowed themselves to tear down the walls they have built against it.  There is so much more to this life we all live, and it truly saddens me that we can’t put our heads together in unity.

If there is one thing I see more than others in this world as a wife to a nurse, it is that nurses are compassionate, caring, loving, and selfless. They don’t know their patients, and yet they are there willing to save their lives, bring life into the world, or hold a hand on the way out.  How come others can’t seem to do that, when our biggest unsung heroes can?  If we all could just be thoughtful, be kind, be loving, and make peace when things aren’t right or normal in the world, what a truly miraculous gift that would be. We will get through this, I will get through this, but not without support, strength, and understanding.

Be mindful of your words and choices, especially during such a trying time of uncertainty.  We all are hurting with some sort of pain inside – it’s just how we choose to exasperate that pain out into the world or not, that will make all the difference in the world.

  • If you are finding yourself struggling during this time please reach out to someone! Finding at least one person you can confide in really does help in fighting against anxiety and depression.  You are NEVER alone – please always remember that. I am and will always be a source of reaching out for others, if they wish.  We are suppose to be here for our sisters and brothers, and I will do my best to always be that light of hope, that listening ear, and that small spark of inspiration for others to keep going.

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25 Comments

  • Tessa

    May 8, 2020 at 4:11 pm

    Thank you for being bold and sharing your experience to educate others. Your family’s sacrifice during this time truly is amazing and appreciated by so many, even though I know you don’t hear it enough!

    1. lifewithtwinsplus2

      May 11, 2020 at 1:37 pm

      Thank You, I/We appreciate that.

  • CA

    May 8, 2020 at 6:07 pm

    It must have been tough, I imagine. But as they say “Tough times won’t last, but tough people do.” Stay strong. I have high respects for your husband as a front-liner, and I have high respects for you as his wife.

    1. lifewithtwinsplus2

      May 11, 2020 at 1:37 pm

      That is such a beautiful statement. I will keep that written down. Thank You for sharing that.

  • Tara Pittman

    May 8, 2020 at 6:40 pm

    This has to be tough for you and your husband. My husband works for the health department and his job has some risk but not as much risk as a nurse.

  • Krysten (@WeirdGirlBlog)

    May 8, 2020 at 8:05 pm

    My friend. Your words made me cry. I can’t imagine what this must be like. Although I’m not a nurse, I have been working with the public this whole time, which is scary. My husband is working from home and he has asthma – so despite the fact that he is safe at home, I fear bringing something home to him. These times are so scary.

    1. lifewithtwinsplus2

      May 8, 2020 at 8:25 pm

      I think many of us can find that we are faced with more similar things with this than not, during this time. My mom has asthma, so I know that fear. I haven’t seen my mom since February. It’s been a very sad and uneasy time, but I would even more awful if she was someone who didn’t make it through the virus. That’s the part that sucks so much with this. The unknown… we just don’t know who it will effect, who it will take, and who it won’t. Stay safe, friend!

  • Adrienne Redelings

    May 8, 2020 at 9:47 pm

    Thanks for sharing this and your family’s sacrifice. My husband and I are both considered essential but unfortunately as I work for a small law firm with the future unknown, I have been laid off. I can’t wait to just get past this!

    1. lifewithtwinsplus2

      May 11, 2020 at 1:38 pm

      I am sorry to hear that. It’s uncertain times for so many, in different lights of this storm. I hope it’s only temporarily. Hang in there!

  • Marie

    May 8, 2020 at 10:24 pm

    I can’t even imagine the difficulty and grief of having to be so conscious of Covid-19 in my house. I am so sorry for the season your family is in and hope that you are able to get back to a better quality of life soon.

    1. lifewithtwinsplus2

      May 11, 2020 at 1:36 pm

      I long to live the days where that isn’t a constant worry of mine. It’s hard to motion through the days, but little things do help me continue moving forward.

  • Cristina Petrini

    May 9, 2020 at 2:47 am

    I was very impressed with this story, the virus seen up close for those who work in contact with it. You excited me.

  • World In Eyes

    May 9, 2020 at 5:29 am

    Thanks for sharing your experience and impressed us, and supporting the NURSES, The time was so hard, but now the world is moving to betterment, I understand this difficulty, because my cousin is a Doctor and how he is performing his duties in ICU ward of COVID-19…..

    1. lifewithtwinsplus2

      May 11, 2020 at 1:35 pm

      I hope your cousin is staying safe and well.

  • Georgia

    May 9, 2020 at 11:47 am

    Congrats to all the nurses out there doing their best, risking their lives! Hopefully this covid-19 situation will soon be a terrible nightmare.

    1. lifewithtwinsplus2

      May 11, 2020 at 1:35 pm

      I pray every day for it to end. Thank You.

  • littlemisadvencha

    May 10, 2020 at 5:54 am

    im so sorry about this thing you have to go through. but you are one brave woman. and i salute you for being there with your husband. <3 kudos to all frontliners!

    1. lifewithtwinsplus2

      May 11, 2020 at 1:34 pm

      Thank You… it’s not something I would have ever imagined having to do. But when you have no other choice, you have to just keep going.

  • Jen Walker

    May 10, 2020 at 11:40 pm

    First of all, thank you to your husband for choosing a profession that helps people; it is needed so much now! Also, thank you to YOU for holding down the fort, effectively as a single mother, while he self quarantines away from you at home. While not the same, I grew up military, and my mother had to do it all on her own so many times as my father was sent away for months and years at a time. I hope things settle down in your area soon so you all can get a break and your family can enjoy each other again.

    1. lifewithtwinsplus2

      May 11, 2020 at 1:33 pm

      This has definitely thrown insight & more perspective into what it’s like to live the military life. Such huge respect and admiration to those who do. This has proven extremely difficult and those who do this without any question, really are inspiring to me. I have made it two months, but not without a lot of break downs.

  • aisasami

    May 11, 2020 at 6:52 am

    Congrats and thank you to all the nurses and doctors of there who are working hard! Words can’t express all of the gratitude but it is overflowing. Thank you to your husband, here is truly a hero like everyone involved.

  • Candace Hampton

    May 11, 2020 at 8:17 am

    One of my very best friends is a nurse. I have constantly been checking on her because I am so worried about her physical and mental health. She has good days and bad days. We would be lost without our healthcare workers!

    1. lifewithtwinsplus2

      May 11, 2020 at 1:30 pm

      I am sure she appreciates your love, care, and concern more than you know. They are struggling as well, and it’s so important we be mindful and check on everyone. 💕 It goes such a long way

  • Caitlin Jecklin

    May 11, 2020 at 9:25 am

    WOW thank you so much for sharing your perspective. We are so grateful for every nurse working on the front lines.

    1. lifewithtwinsplus2

      May 11, 2020 at 1:30 pm

      I am sure she appreciates your love, care, and concern more than you know. They are struggling as well, and it’s so important we be mindful and check on everyone. 💕 It goes such a long way.

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