Seasons come and go, and so does much of life. This time of year always tugs on my heart a little bit. It’s a reminder of what I went through, and also what I surpassed. It’s a time in my life that I won’t ever forget, but also one I celebrate each year since.
Here you see me happy, content, and seemingly enjoying life. What you don’t see or know, is that at this very place and time, just three years ago, I struggled with an ugly demon inside of me.
A demon that I didn’t know it was at the time. Stress, fear, the unknown, and darkness. It was like my inner light suddenly went from shining bright and bold, to blown out and full-on pitch black dark mode. The scariest feeling I have ever felt in my life, and one that I didn’t know how to control.
As I watched my kids frolic around this very apple orchard that day, I tried ever so hard to hold the tears back from falling down my face. They fell anyways, despite my best efforts. I’m sure you’re wondering at this point why I was even crying for? Or what I am even babbling about?
Well, the truth is, this wasn’t me three years ago. Three years ago I was a mom to four, who would find herself in the most terrifying situation of her life. I began my journey of self-robbery of my life. On this day, I began feeding myself lies, scared myself into the unknown, and pretty much doomed myself for death. I told myself that I needed to grieve my life with my children, yet I hadn’t even been told there was anything wrong with me.
While watching them that day, I hurt with the deepest exaggerating pain inside of me. Like sharp daggers being bluntly forced inside of me, over and over again. Little did I know, that my fears, lies, and stresses of the unknown, would turn into a much bigger problem…
A N X I E T Y.
That day was just the beginning to the deep intertwined mess I would soon find myself wrapped up in. It took me months of tests, different health worries and assessments, and everything in between, for me to finally accept my fate with anxiety. I had been such a strong woman up until that point, that I never would have believed myself to crumble so easily and quickly. But I did, and almost with a blink of an eye at that.
Anxiety took and stole my inner happiness, joy, love, and care-free spirit for nearly two years. Two years that I will never get back at this point. But, two years that I guess needed to happen in some ways, too.
If it weren’t for my struggles with anxiety, I wouldn’t be here writing this now. I would know nothing of it, and would quite possibly be a different woman than what I am now. Once I broke down and listened to the doctors and believed what they were telling me to be true, is when I finally began my process with and through anxiety.
I now look back at this time in my life with much to be thankful for, and with an undeniably blessed feeling that fulfills my soul and heart. I am here still standing through that evil darkness I was put through. I am still alive three years later, after I much convinced myself I would not be.
I am NOT that woman three years ago that I now am today. Today, I am so much more than that, and much to be proud of. It took a great deal of work, medication, reading, crying, overcoming and learning how to cope with impending doom and fear, as well as brutal honesty, to get me to where I am today. If it wasn’t for my children and husband, I am not sure how my story would have ended up. I fought through it for them. I was alive, and I had something to be living for, instead of fearing it.
Through these seasons of change, I have found that you also find yourself seasoned a little more. The funny thing about life, is that we constantly have something to learn from it. We don’t know what roads we might be faced with and have to travel, but I have learned that with strength, determination, and fearless-ness, you can overcome many obstacles that are thrown your way. All you have to do is believe in yourself, and give yourself the courage to overstep it.
If you are struggling with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, or other self harming – please reach out to someone and seek the appropriate help. Mental health is something we don’t talk about enough, and is something that SO many people struggle with. From kids, to teens, adults, and even mothers & fathers… you are NOT alone! WE are NOT alone. Don’t suffer in silence.